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THE FORCE OF TRUTH.

them to the study of the Scriptures, accompanied with prayer to God to be enabled rightly to understand them, and when I inculcated amendment of life. In this manner the Lord slowly brought them forward: and though, for want of a better instructor, they were a considerable time before they arrived at establishment in the faith; yet some of them, having their minds less leavened with prejudice and the pride of reasoning, were more apt scholars in the school of Christ than I was, and got the start of me in the knowledge both of doctrine and duty; and in their turns became, without intending it, in some respects monitors to me, and I derived important advantage from them.

This singular circumstance, of being an instrument in bringing others earnestly and successfully to inquire after salvation, while I so little understood the true Gospel of Jesus Christ, very much increased my perplexity. I became doubly earnest to know the truth, lest I should mislead those who confided their precious souls to me as their spiritual instructor. This added to my diligence in reading and meditating on the word of God; and made me more fervent in prayer to be guided to the knowledge of the truth. And under every difficulty, I constantly had recourse unto the Lord, to preserve me from ignorance and error, and to enable me to distinguish between the doctrines of his word, and the inventions and traditions of men.

About this time I established a weekly Lecture for expounding the Scriptures in my other parish, by which I obtained further acquaintance with the various parts of the word of God. It was my general practice, in penning these Lectures, to search out all the texts referred to in the margin of the Bible, with such as I could recollect upon the subject, and to make use of them in explaining each other. This method enabled me to store my memory with the language of Scripture; and made way for a greater exactness in discussing doctrinal subjects, than I had hitherto been acquainted with.

In the course of the winter, 1777, I was engaged in deep meditation upon
Luke xi. 9-13, concerning the Holy Spirit being given in answer to prayer.
And at length, having made a collection of all the Scriptures I could meet
with, which related to that important doctrine, diligently comparing them
together, and meditating upon them, and earnestly beseeching the Lord to
fulfil the promise to my soul, I wrote two sermons upon the subject:-one
from Luke xi. 13. "If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto
your children, how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy
Spirit to them that ask him." The other from James i. 16, 17. "Do not err,
my beloved brethren, every good gift, and every perfect gift is from above,
and cometh down from the Father of lights." By this, my views of a Chris-
tian's privileges and duties in this respect, were much enlarged, and my re-
quests were made known unto the Lord in a more full, exact, and believing
manner, than before. Though I still remained very ignorant in many im-
portant matters respecting the person, offices, and work of the Holy Spirit,
yet I had discovered more of what was promised concerning him, and there-
fore knew better what to ask.

My obligations to Bishop Beveridge must here be acknowledged. When
I first began to peruse his sermons, I conceived a mean opinion of him; and
it was some time before I could prevail with myself to examine any further
into his writings: but being now more advanced in my inquiry after truth,
those singularities which at first offended me became tolerable, and I began
to relish the simplicity, spirituality, love of Christ, and affection for souls,
which eminently shine forth in many parts of his works. Indeed, I received
considerable instruction from him; but especially his sermon on the real sa-
tisfaction made by the death of Christ for the sins of believers, was the blessed
means of clearing up my views, and confirming my faith, respecting that fun-
"All we like sheep have gone
damental doctrine of Christianity. On Good Friday, 1777, I preached a ser-
mon upon that subject, from Isaiah liii. 6.
astray; we have turned every one to his own way, and the Lord hath laid
Chath caused to meet on him the iniquities of us all." I endeavoured to

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prove, (what has ever since been the sole foundation of all my hopes,) that Christ indeed bore the sins of all who should ever truly believe, in all their guilt, condemnation, and deserved punishment, in his own body on the tree. I explicitly avowed my belief, that Christ, as our Surety and Bondsman, stood in our law-place, to answer all our obligations, and to satisfy divine justice and the demands of the law for our offences: and I publicly renounced, as erroneous and grievous perversions of Scripture, all my former explanations and interpretations of these subjects.

This was the first doctrine in which I was clearly and fully brought to acknowledge the truth; though I had, with no little earnestness, for two years been inquiring about it :-to so astonishing a degree was my blinded understanding filled with prejudice against the doctrines of the word of God! Hitherto they had been foolishness to me; but now, under the divine teaching, I began, though very dimly, to discern the wisdom of God in them.

I say dimly; for I was still under many and great mistakes, and very ignorant in many important points. I knew sin to be the transgression of the divine law; but I did not perceive its odious deformity, as deliberate rebellion against God's sovereign authority, and an express contradiction to his holy nature; as charging God foolishly, with the want of either wisdom or goodness, in laying such restraints upon the inclinations of his creatures; and as tending to overturn all subordination in the universe, and to introduce anarchy, confusion, and misery into the whole creation. I had discovered that my best actions were defiled; but I understood not that this was the effect of a depraved nature, and a polluted heart. The doctrine of Original Sin, as the fruitful root of these multiplied evils, was as yet no part of my creed. Inconsistently, I was an Arian, or a Clarkist, in my sentiments concerning the person of Christ and the divinity of the Holy Ghost. Some faint conception I had formed of the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit in the soul: the beginnings of it I little understood: and I continued to entertain an implacable enmity to the doctrine of election, and the truths more intimately connected with it. But my faith was now fixed upon a crucified Saviour, (though I dishonoured his person and denied his Deity), and I had a sincere desire of being devoted to the Lord. He therefore in mercy accepted his own work in my heart, and pardoned all that was mine; and at length extricated me from that labyrinth of perplexities and inconsistencies in which I was entangled.

About this time, in the course of my lectures, our Lord's discourse with Nicodemus came again under my consideration. Notwithstanding much meditation and many prayers, I could not satisfy my mind about it. I was convinced some internal change must be implied in the expressions "born again," and "born of the Spirit ;" and, according to what I had experienced, I endeavoured to explain it; but I was still very confused in my views of that important subject, and had many doubts whether I were right or wrong in what I advanced.

Hitherto, excepting Leland " On the Deistical Writers,” I had not read any book written by a Dissenter, with the least degree of candour and attention; but at this crisis I met with the first volume of Dr Evans' sermons, entitled, "The Christian Temper." I was induced to read it by the recommendation of a friend; but, (such was my proud foolish heart!) I opened it with great prejudice, because I understood that the author was a Dissenter. However, this book came with a blessing: for by perusing it, I at length perceived that fallen man, both body and soul, is indeed carnal and sold under sin; that by nature, in every man living, the reasonable and immortal part is destitute of spirituality, immersed in matter, and, by a dishonourable and miserable prostitution, given up "to make provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lust thereof;" and, that man must be renewed in the spirit of his mind, new created unto good works, born of the Spirit of God, made partaker of a new and divine nature, before he can possibly be made meet for, or admitted into the kingdom of God, In a very little time all

my difficulties about this matter vanished, and the truth became so exceedingly plain and evident, that, until I had made the experiment, I could scarcely be persuaded, but that every person who heard it rightly explained, must assent to it. This doctrine I have ever since invariably preached, with good effect, I trust," in opening the eyes of sinners, and turning them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan unto God." Acts xxvi.

28.

When I had made this little progress in seeking the truth, my acquaintance with Mr Newton was resumed. From the conclusion of our correspondence in December 1775, till April 1777, it had been almost wholly dropped. To speak plainly, I did not care for his company; I did not mean to make any use of him as an instructor; and I was unwilling the world should think us in any way connected. But under discouraging circumstances, I had occasion to call upon him; and his discourse so comforted and edified me, that my heart, being by his means relieved from its burden, became susceptible of affection for him. From that time I was inwardly pleased to have him for my friend, though not as now rejoiced to call him so. I had, however, even at that time, no thoughts of learning doctrinal truth from him, and was ashamed to be detected in his company: but I sometimes stole away to spend an hour with him. About the same period, I once heard him preach; but still it was foolishness to me, his sermon being principally upon the believer's experience, in some particulars with which I was unacquainted: so that though I loved and valued him, I considered him as a person misled by enthusiastical notions, and strenuously insisted that we should never think alike, till we met in heaven.

All along in the progress of this inquiry, I grew more and more concerned about my character. I saw myself continually verging nearer and nearer to that scheme of doctrine which the world calls Methodism; nor could I help it without doing violence to my convictions. I had indeed set out with the avowed, and I trust sincere, resolution of seeking the truth as impartially as possible; and of embracing it wherever I might find it, without respect to interest, reputation, or any worldly consideration whatever. I had taken patiently, and sustained comfortably, the loss of my opening prospect of preferment, I trust mainly from the supports of grace, and the consciousness of having acted with integrity; yet I am not sure but my deceitful heart might also derive some support from a vain imagination that my character would be no loser. Ambitious thirst after the praise of men was much more my peculiar corruption than covetousness; and I had been in no ordinary degree proud of my natural understanding. I had been accustomed to hear the people called Methodists mentioned with contempt, as ignorant and deluded, as fools, and sometimes as madmen; and that with no small degree of complacency and self-preference, I too had despised them as weak enthusiasts. But I now began to be apprehensive that the tables were about to be turned upon me. If I professed and taught these doctrines, I must no longer be considered as a man of sober understanding, but as one of those persons whose heads, being naturally weak, had been turned by religious studies; and who, having fallen under the power of enthusiasm, had become no better than fools or madmen.

This was the sharpest trial I passed through: for I had not yet learned, that "when we are reproached for the name of Christ, happy are we." Nor did I remember, with due consideration of the reasons assignable for so extraordinary a circumstance, that the apostles were "fools for Christ's sake;" were deemed "beside themselves;" and went "through evil report and good report, as deceivers, and yet true;" that they were " every where spoken against," as "the men that turned the world upside down;" were treated as vain babblers," and "accounted the filth of the world, and the offscouring of all things." I did not consider that Jesus himself, the "brightness of the Father's glory," the "Word and Wisdom of God," who "went about doing good," and "spake as never man spake," was not only rejected,

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but despised as not worth hearing, as one that had a devil," as in league with the devil, as 66 a blasphemer,' a Samaritan," a madman," yea, 66 a devil." I read, indeed, but my understanding was not yet opened to understand such plain Scriptures as these: "If ye were of the world, the world would love his own; but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you. Remember the word that I said unto you: The servant is not greater than his Lord; if they have persecuted me, they will also persecute you.' 66 (John xv. 19, 28.) The disciple is not above his master, nor the servant above his Lord. If they have called the Master of the house Beelzebub, how much more shall they call them of the household?" (Matth. x. 24, 25.) "Blessed are ye when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad, for great is your reward in heaven; for so persecuted they the prophets that were before you." Matth. v. 11, 12.) Not being aware of these consequences when my resolution was first formed, I was as one who has begun to build without counting the cost; and was greatly disturbed when I saw the favourite idol of my proud heart, my character, in such imminent danger.

It must be supposed that this apprehension would make me cautious what doctrines I admitted into my creed; and, unwilling to be convinced that those things were true and important, the profession of which was sure to bring infamy on my character; and that even after the fullest conviction, I should thus be rendered very careful in what manner I preached them. In general, however, though the conflict was sharp, I was enabled to be faithful. The words "Necessity is laid upon me; yea, woe is me if I preach not the gospel," were commonly upon my mind when I penned my sermon, and when I entered the pulpit: and though, when a bold declaration of what I believed to be the truth, with an offensive application of it to the consciences of my hearers, drew opposition and calumny upon me, I have secretly resolved to be more circumspect the next time; yet, when that time came, my heart and conscience being both engaged, I dared not to conceal one tittle of what appeared to me to be true, and to promise usefulness. But while, with perturbation of mind, and with many disquieting apprehensions, I declared the message with which I supposed myself to be intrusted; to screen myself from the charge of Methodism, and to soften the offence, I was frequently throwing out slighting expressions, and bringing the charge of enthusiasm against those who preached such doctrines as I was not yet convinced of. On the other hand, my concern about my character quickened me very much in prayer, and increased my diligence in searching the Scriptures, that I might be sure I was not, at this expense, preaching “cunningly devised fables," instead of feeding the souls committed to my care with the unadulterated milk of evangelical truth.

In this state of mind, which is more easily understood by experience than description, I met with Mr Venn's Essay on the prophecy of Zecharias, (Luke i. 67-79.) I was no stranger to the character he bore in the eyes of the world, and did not begin to read this book with great alacrity or expectation: however, the interesting subjects treated of engaged my attention, and I read it with great seriousness, and some degree of impartiality. I disapproved indeed of many things; but the truth and importance of others brought conviction both to my understanding and conscience: especially, I found a word in season, respecting my foolish and wicked shame and attention to character, in inquiring after divine truth, and in the performance of the important duties of a gospel-minister. These solemn words in particular came home to my heart: "If the spirit of the world, pride, carelessness respecting the soul, and neglect of Christ, be not hateful to God and destructive to men, the gospel (with reverence I speak it) is an imposition. Do you abhor that thought as blasphemy? Abhor as much a fawning upon Christ from year to year in your closet, calling him there your Lord and God, and then coming out to consult the world how far they will allow you to obey his plain

commands, without saying you are a Methodist. Cease rather to profess any allegiance to Christ, than treat him, under professions of duty, with such contempt. "I would," said he to the Church of Laodicea, "thou wert cold or hot," but " because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth." (Page 85.)

I should as easily be convinced that there was no Holy Ghost, as that he was not present with my soul when I read this passage, and the whole of what Mr Venn has written upon the subject. It came to my heart with such evidence, conviction, and demonstration, that it lifted me up above the world, and produced that victory which faith alone can give, and that liberty which uniformly attends the presence of the Spirit of the Lord. I became at once ashamed of my base ingratitude and foolish fears, and was filled with such consolation and rejoicing, even in the prospect of sacrificing my character, and running the risk of infamy and contempt, as made me entirely satisfied on that head: and, some few seasons of unbelief excepted, I have never since been much troubled about being called an Enthusiast or a Methodist.

But while I was thus delivered from the dread of unmerited reproaches, I continued as much as ever afraid of real enthusiasm; nay, I became continually more and more averse to every thing which can justly bear that name: so that the nearer I verged to what I had ignorantly supposed to be enthusiastical, the more apprehensive I was, lest my earnestness in such interesting inquiries, and the warmth of my natural spirits, thus occasionally increased, should put me off my guard, and betray me into delusions and mistakes. From this danger I could however obtain no security, but by keeping close to the study of the word of God; and by being earnest and particular in praying to be preserved from error, and to be enabled to distinguish between the pure revelations of the Holy Spirit contained in Scripture, and the inventions of men, the imaginations of my own heart, or the delusions of the spirit of lies.

The Doctrine of a Trinity of co-equal persons in the Unity of the Godhead had been hitherto no part of my creed. I had long been accustomed to despise this great mystery of godliness. I had first quarrelled with the articles of the established Church about this doctrine: I had been very decided and open in my declarations against it; and my unhumbled reason still retained many objections to it. But about June 1777, I began to be troubled with doubts about my own sentiments, and to suspect the truth of Dr Clarke's hypothesis. I had just read Mr Lindsey's Apology and Sequel. Before I saw these tracts, I had even ridiculed those who thought of confuting him on the orthodox scheme, and was not without thoughts of maintaining Dr Clarke's system against him. But when I understood that he claimed Dr Clarke as a Socinian, I was extremely surprised, and, in consequence, was led again to a more serious and anxious consideration of the subject. Yet, the more I studied, the more I was dissatisfied. Many things now first occurred to me as strong objections against my own sentiments; and, being thus perplexed, and unable to form a scheme for myself, I easily perceived that I was not qualified to dispute with another person. My pride and my convictions struggled hard for the victory: I was very unwilling to become a Trinitarian in the strict sense of the word, though, in my own sense, I had for some time pretended to be one; and yet the more I considered it, the more I was dissatisfied with all other systems. My esteem for Mr Newton was also now very much increased; and though I had hitherto concealed this part of my sentiments from him, yet I knew his to be very different. I was not indeed willing to be taught by him in other matters: yet, in this respect, finding his opinion the same which in all former ages of the Church hath been accounted orthodox, while that which I held had always been branded as heretical; my fears of a mistake were thus exceedingly increased. In this perplexity I applied to the Lord, and frequently besought him to lead me to a settled conclusion what was the truth in this important subject. After much meditation, together with a careful examination of all the Scriptures

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