what we call fantastic thieves. A very contemptible canton this is with sensible people. Yet foolish as they are with their nostrums, they make it appear, that there are people more foolish than themselves, for they pick the pockets of neighbouring cantons very cleverly. Here dwell your Daffies, Godfries, Stoughtons, Fluggers, Lowthers, James's, Turlingtons, &c. Here the famous Mr. Mountebank is president, and Mr. Andrew Archee is his deputy. In this division nothing is heard of but pills, lozenges, troches, balsams, elixirs, drops, cordials, and the ready coin; for the fantastical thieves can give no credit.

The sixth division consists of plain honest highwaymen. Honest, when compared with many of the others, for when they are about to rob a man they very honestly tell him their design, and stake but a few high words, and the mouth of the pistol against the purse and all that is in it, which, notwithstanding the odds be greatly on the traveller's side, the highwayman carries lightly off, with the watch into the bargain. Whereas many of the gentlemen thieves carry on their work so slily, that you know not their intention of robbing you till long after the robbery is committed. O Tyburn, Tyburn, thou hast long groaned for such men as these!

Here too are many venerable priests, who by pretended pardons, dispensations, &c. play the pick-pocket to great advantage. Much could I say about this class of veterans in the thieving trade, were I not afraid of exciting their resentment, which would be very detrimental to my designs, as they lead the consciences of the laity, just which way they please.

INFID. Indeed, my son, by your account of them, the highwaymen, and pickpockets are less prejudicial to society, than many who are held to be men of great renown.

IMP. Ay, sir, a thousand, times, and I can tell you, that some of the greatest of names are enrolled in the annals of this canton of thieves.

There are the Grecian, and Roman heroes, almost in general, particularly great Alexander, and Julius Cæsar. There is Tamerlane, there is Kouli Khan, there is Philip of Spain, and there is L-s of France, who has as good an inclination to thieving as any body. Poor gentleman, it is not half a century since he put forth his hand, to pick the pocket of George king of Britain, but he got his fingers woefully bitten, before he could pull them in again. But what is bred in the bone will never be out of the flesh; therefore as the English did not take care effectually to secure themselves when they had it in their power, they must expect further experience of French theft.

INFID. One would have thought that the English have had so many instances of royal theft from that quarter, that they would have effectually prevented future danger from thence. Nor are our good friends the Spaniards less inclined to the thievish

practice than their neighbours; witness Peru and Mexico, those once opulent and populous kingdoms, which now belong to them in the same manner, as the purse of gold belongs to the highwayman who took it from the gentleman he murdered.

ÍMP. Ay, sir, great thieves are abundantly more hurtful to mankind, than thieves of a dwarfish size; though famous Tyburn and the places a-kin to it, seldom have the honour of ushering them into the other world.

The third canton is the liars' canton, a people with double tongues, and of the nature of an otter, amphibious; the great Belzebub himself is grand president here, but is represented by two famous deputies, namely the artful Mahomet, and the good old gentleman at Rome. Of the two, the latter is most in favour at court, because, as Belzebub says, he is so very much of his own image; although it must be owned, Mahomet bears a very great resemblance. All the holy fathers, my lords the inquisitors, with their assistant familiars; all the venerable patriarchs, and princely cardinals, reside in the metropolis near the exchange, in the principal street, which is a straight thoroughfare to hell. The bishops of both ranks, are stationed next to them, and greatly facilitate the journey of passengers. The very populous suburbs are inhabited by the sons of St. Ignatius; than whom, none are more excellent at the arts of lying and evasion; and here too are abundance of friars of every order, who, though less crafty than the jesuits, are very diligent in the great work of deceit. In this country, politeness and learning have arrived at the greatest perfection; here are abundance of courtiers, and statesmen, besides atheists and deists, highly esteemed by our people, for their learning and sense.

The famous court liars, are like a dead fish, they always swim with the stream of power. They are for or against stamp acts, and general warrants, just as the sentiments of their superiors direct; they are protestants, or intolerant papists, or neither, just as their prince is inclined, or as their own interests require. Their consciences are tender as a willow, and will turn any way with the application of a purse of gold, a place, a pension, or a peerage. When it serves their low and base purposes, you will find them patriots, but if the good of the nation clashes with their sinister views, you may find them traitors, either to church or state, or to both. Of this class were Bonner and Gardiner, zealous protestants in the days of Edward the sixth, and bloody papists in the reign of his sister of scarlet memory. To this class also belonged Sharp, the archbishop of St. Andrews, for it was not conviction but gold, that changed his sentiments, from presbytery to prelacy. All the arguments which my lords the bishops of England had advanced, made no more impression upon him, than an arrow would have made upon a rock of flint, but when his majesty came in a rhetorical manner, to press him

home with a heavy purse of gold, a coach and six, and a bishopric, he was quite confounded, and had not a word to say for mother kirk of Scotland. Such court arguments as this, sir, stop the mouths of many a patriot; Lord C------m is a recent proof of this. Such was the force of his elocution, that it could gain battles, subdue states, reverse laws, and make placemen tremble, till he was unhappily confounded by a place, a pension, and a peerage; and now, poor gentleman, he has nothing left to gratify his ambition, but the melancholy reflection of what he once

was.

There is another herd of court liars, (excuse the phrase, sir, because it is the common opinion, that of all vermin, court liars are the most detestable) who fawn like a spaniel upon every prince that ascends the throne, in order to ingratiate themselves into his favour, thereby to make sure of their own emolument. If the manners of the prince are ever so dissolute, they caress him as their most wise and amiable monarch. Though he were as much of a dastard as Sardanapalus, they will persuade him that he may vie with Hector for magnanimity. If he is a drunkard, or glutton, they will flatter him with his temperance; or represent his luxury as a princely virtue, very becoming a royal personage; even if one half of his subjects be famishing for want of bread. Some of those court liars will tell their prince, that it is no crime at all for him to enter his neighbour's territories, and murder twenty or thirty thousand of his subjects, though there is really no cause given on their part for the hostile invasion. Some such villains precipitated Lewis of France into a war with Britain, which would infallibly have proved his ruin, had he not been well befriended by some people near St. James's. A truly patriotic courtier is a strong pillar to the throne, but court liars, are the destruction of that prince whose ear they govern.

It is my opinion, that a prince has need either to be a very wise man himself, or to have very honest men about him. Happy is that nation who has a wise and prudent king, and at the same time honest and faithful ministers. Earthly thrones are so infested with fawning flatterers, that if the prince is not very well acquainted with his bible, it is difficult for him to know, whether he is virtuous or vicious.

INFID. That is a book in little esteem. Great men are for the most part too polite to trouble themselves with its contents, because they are so unfavourable to their practices.

IMP. True, and by those means princes are the more readily deceived. For a mitred courtier may, perhaps, tell his prince, that it is lawful for a royal personage to debauch the wife or daughter of one of an inferior rank, but unlawful for a plebeian; notwithstanding his spiritual lordship knows very well, that when God said, "Whoremongers and adulterers I will judge," he

exempted not the prince any more than the peasant, for with him there is no respect of persons, on account of their worldly dignity.

Another right reverend courtier tells his prince, that it is allowable enougn in him, on the sabbath, after the irksome service is over at church, to divert himself with a quiet, civil game at chess, quadrille, or whatever his pious inclinations lead him to; and that it may be lawful for some favourite nobility to assist at the sport, but, says he, it is utterly unlawful for the husbandman and low mechanic; though the downy doctor knows well enough, that when the Almighty sanctified the sabbath, it was not a part only, but the whole sabbath he intended.

INFID. Well, Impiator, whatever licence the right reverends allow at court, their sable brethren in the country are not less indulgent; for in most parishes in England, the people may swear or pray, get drunk or communicate, go to church or stay at home, get to heaven or hell, just as their inclination leads them, for any concern his reverence the parson gives himself, provided always he is not cheated of his dues.

IMP. I know I am well befriended by many clergymen ; but to return to the prince, I assure you I have often thought, that of all men, it is the greatest difficulty for him to be a good man, and get safe to heaven. He has so many about him, who are base enough to commend even his vices, and but very few who love him well enough to correct his errors. But if I become a moralist now, you'll suppose I act out of character. However, many have exhausted all their wit and good nature upon the court liars, they are still the same, they lie as fast as ever for the sake of money, estates, high places, &c. therefore some people call them mercenary liars.

But many of the inhabitants of this canton are less ambitious, and will very freely tell lies for a penny gain; amongst those are the travelling tradesmen, who carry their shops upon their backs. Them we call the petty dealers, and the humble liars. But we have others more generous still, who will give you a lie fresh from the mint, with no other view but to raise a laugh: these we call the merry liars, because they go laughing to hell. Others we have who stand in the capacity of godfathers and godmothers, who very roundly promise and vow for to do, for the child, what they never intend to perform. Some people call them the fool-hardy liars. Next to them reside a venerable tribe, called by the name of reverend liars. Reverend, because in holy orders; and liars, because they tell my lord bishop, that they are moved by the Holy Ghost, to take upon them the office of a deacon, whereas they are moved by the hope of a good living, not knowing that there is such a being as the Holy Ghost; and deeming it enthusiasm to profess to be moved by him. When once put into orders, and a benefice, those worthy

gentlemen rave against all who profess to be influenced in their devotion, by the holy spirit, as fanatics, enthusiasts, and madmen. Now either my good friend the parson lies to my lord bishop, or his congregation; but the truth is, he lies to both.

The fourth canton is, that of sabbath-breakers, which is a very populous, polite, and opulent canton indeed. The far greater part of the nobility and other gentlemen of rank and fortune, reside here: they are too well bred to worship God on Sunday, in public or private. They scorn to suppose themselves indebted to the Almighty for life, and breath, and all things; or to be accountable to him for the use they make of their time, estates, and talents. They leave it to the low-lifed mechanics, to go to church or meeting, or when there, to be devout and take notice of what they are about. Let the parson talk about heaven, or hell, or what he will, they are unconcerned, never once supposing themselves endued with immortal souls.

There is my good friend, my lord Timelagg, a nobleman of the first distinction; he is so taken up through the week, with contriving how to provide for himself and his creatures, that he is in no condition to go to church on Sunday, but chooses some convenient part of it for an airing; either in the coach with my lady, or on horseback with his cousin, Squire Idle. Mrs. Housekeeper also is very closely employed in preparing tea and chocolate against their return. Mr. Steward is very busy in preparing his rent-rolls, studiously contriving how to extract an estate for himself, out of his master's, so that he cannot go to church at any rate. The footman and my lady's woman must needs attend their master and mistress; the coachman and postillion must guide the machine; the butler and groom must be within call, one to take care of the horses, and the other to furnish with claret or champaign; so that the minister is very little obliged to his lordship for finding him an auditory to preach to.

The London tradesmen come up as near to his lordship's example as their circumstances will admit of; their spirits are quite exhausted with the fatigues of weekly business, therefore instead of leading their families duly to church, you may meet squadrons of them every Saturday night and Sunday morning, going to regale themselves with a Sunday's pleasure, which consists in eating, carousing, and riding.

Then there is your sabbath-day visitors; very genteel people. The tea-table gossips are much concerned here, and here you may find hundreds of tables, the conversation of which is supported at the expence of the reputation of some absent; for it must be observed that our gossips are so absolutely destitute of innate ideas, and are such perfect strangers to the affairs of civil life, that they cannot support conversation five minutes at a sitting, but by the help of slander. Hence some people have said, that slander is the very soul of conversation. And sure