24 FINDING THE SURE FOUNDATION. quite willing to give up for an interest in Christ.' This was uttered with great earnestness. She expressed her willingness to die could she attain to this, but she felt sometimes as if Christ would not listen to her prayers, as if she were too insignificant for Him to notice her. She was led to see, however, that this arose, not from the humility, but from the pride and unbelief of her heart, and she made a solemn resolution to give herself again and again to Christ, to persevere in prayer, and to make constant efforts to put unbelief away from her as an evil thing." On the evening of the 2d August, we were all out, excepting her sister, who told us with much pleasure what a happy time Jessie and she had spent in our absence. She had spoken much more hopefully of her state, and talked of her death with the greatest composure, giving directions about remembrances she wished given to friends she named; the persons she would like to be asked to attend her funeral, and other arrangements of a similar kind which she would wish to be attended to after she was taken from us. She also spoke much of heaven, saying, "It was all a mystery, so bright, so pure, and holy, that she often feared she was all unfit for its joys." On this point I had a good deal of conversation with her about the same time, directing her mind to the experience of Mr Howell, recorded in "Perfect Peace," and my conviction was, that his experience subsequently, or soon, became her own. It was certainly a remarkable feature in her faith, that from the time when her mind was brought to rest upon PATIENCE IN TRIBULATION. 25 Christ, she never seemed to have a doubt of perfect meetness for the heavenly inheritance being given to her, ere she was taken home to glory. From this time there seemed a work of grace evidently, though gradually, going on in her soul. She admitted that she had more pleasure in prayer, and that she felt as if Jesus was really manifesting Himself to her; then doubts and fears would again arise— struggles which we accepted as evidences that she was really "working out her own salvation with fear and trembling, God working in her." She occasionally awoke in the night, she told me, with a verse of Scripture on her lips, such as, Jesus the same yesterday, to-day, and for ever," "The blood of Jesus Christ cleanseth from all sin." At other times a line of a hymn seemed given as a word of comfort and encouragement to her. Two of them I remember her mentioning, viz., "Never needy sinner perished there," from the hymn, "Cheer up my soul," &c., and another, "Every door is shut but one, and that is mercy's door," from the hymn, "Breathe from the gentle south, O Lord!" Both are in Newton's "Olney Hymns." She seemed happy and encouraged when I expressed my hope that this was a means by which the Holy Spirit was leading her to peace and joy in believing. Her patience, which, from the first, was very apparent, now became remarkable, and continued to grow upon her to the close of her life, giving a peaceful expression to her countenance, which was remarked by all who saw her, and the more so from her increased sufferings and privations. 26 CLINGING TO LIFE. She could now only discern light from darkness, and was unable to do anything for herself. Distressing symptoms of convulsions had also too surely manifested themselves, to mitigate which, a seton was inserted in her neck, causing her much suffering at the time, and more or less pain during the remainder of her life; but never did she complain, and if she ever cried out when it was dressed, she always expressed regret for her impatience. A week or two before her return home, Mr Ross left Aberdour for a temporary field of labour for a month; this was a great disappointment to Jessie, his visits having become a great comfort to her; yet a day or two after he had left, she said to me, "It was, perhaps, better that Mr Ross should have left me for a time; it will make me seek to Jesus more, and, perhaps, it was just for this end he was taken away." During his absence, he wrote Jessie a note, wherein he dwelt much on the love of Christ, and His all-sufficiency in every circumstance in which His people can be placed. He also conveyed, in a sufficiently appreciable way, the slight hope he entertained of her recovery. At the first reading of this note, she said it gave her no hope, or no comfort. I could not with any certainty affirm that this was on account of its indicating the hopelessness of her recovery; still it may have been so, as I remember that for a week or two after she had been told of her danger, she oftener than once asked me, after having had a visit from her Doctor, if he had changed his opinion about her. This she asked with CONCERN FOR OTHERS. 27 an expression of countenance which sent a knell to my heart, proclaiming as it did more eloquently than words could do, a clinging to life which the medical opinion I had received forbade me to encourage. Very soon, however, these feelings all disappeared, and her whole longings seemed bent on death and eternity. In regard to Mr Ross's letter, which bore so clearly upon her great change, she had it ere long read so often to her, that she was in the habit of correcting us if we made mistakes in reading it. In reply to it, she sent the following message to him:-"That she was finding Christ more precious to her, but had to mourn over occasional fits of coldness of heart." Mr Ross remarks, "that he looks back upon it as an interesting indication of her spiritual state then, that she was much interested in the evangelistic work in which he was engaged, and made it a subject of prayer, thus affording a beautiful proof of the unselfishness of the Christian spirit, that in the midst of all her sufferings, our poor invalid lifted her blind eyes to heaven, and prayed for poor outcasts for whom so few cared." Before Mr Ross returned, she had left Aberdour. Beloved, "it is well!" God's ways are always right; Beloved, "it is well!" Though deep and sore the smart, The Hand that wounds knows how to bind And heal the broken heart. |