RETURN TO EDINBURGH.

29

CHAPTER IV.

Return to Edinburgh-Increased Blindness-Self becoming less Important-Heaven Realised-Reserve Disappears-Peace in Believing-Love of Hymns-Open Confession of Christ-Desire for the Salvation of others of her own Family.

THE day preceding that fixed upon for our leaving Aberdour, was so wet and stormy, that our plans for returning home seemed very uncertain. Jessie remained quite unmoved, not appearing at all concerned about it. Next morning, however, disappointed all our fears; the sun rose unclouded, Dr arrived early

to accompany us, and everything promised well for the journey. When a kind friend who came to bid her farewell, told her, "that she had prayed for fine weather on her account," Jessie quietly said, "I felt quite sure God would send a good day for my going home." She seemed to feel rather sad upon leaving Aberdour, saying that we might all be there again, but she never would; still she did not wish it otherwise. An increase of blindness had taken place within the two months she had spent there, none of the well-remembered places on the journey being at all perceptible to her. She said that all was now as a cloud before her eyes; still no murmuring was heard from her. On the night and day which succeeded her return, she suffered greatly from

30

HEAVEN REALISED.

the effects of travelling, but consideration for others (which had not been a marked feature of her character as a child) now manifested itself strikingly, and evidently proceeded from grace working and sanctifying the natural character. Notwithstanding her feeling very unwell the evening after her return home, she requested that she might be carried to the dining-room sofa, that her рара, who had been from home for some days, might not be alarmed by finding her in bed.

One distinctive mark of the progress of grace was, the different views given her of the heavenly city. She first talked of its glories; then a month or two later she spoke of those whom she would meet in heaven, asking one of her sisters to name the near relatives she had lost, who had fallen asleep in Jesus, adding, "It would make death easier to think she would meet those whom she knew when she went to heaven." A few months later she had a conversation with her sister about the employments of heaven, when she remarked, "How exquisitely delightful the music of heaven would be, to those especially who loved music!" Then she spoke of the "golden streets," and the "gates of pearl," questioning whether these could be taken in their literal sense. Her sister said, her idea was, that there would be much in heaven to please the eye, as well as to satisfy all the capacities of the glorified soul. Jessie replied emphatically, "Oh yes; Jesus is there, and there's all beauty in Him." Again, a short time before her death, I repeated to her parts of a lecture of Mr Gillies', wherein the subject of recognition of friends in heaven

RESERVE DISAPPEARS.

31

was a good deal noticed. This may have led her to reflect upon the subject, as soon afterwards she said, "that she could not realise that the spirits of the departed would recognise each other until their re-union with their glorified bodies." After a good deal of conversation about it, she said, "her conviction was, that the saints in glory would be so filled with Christ, that meeting with and recognising departed friends would be quite a secondary thing;" "Christ would be all in all!" This was, so far as we remember, her last conversation on that subject.

After our return home, Mr Robertson again visited Jessie, and was very much struck with the change he saw upon her. "She was," he remarks, "quite helpless, at intervals a great sufferer, and had become totally blind, so that to her night and day were alike." He adds, "It was sad in one sense to look upon the utter helplessness of all that was so young, tender, and full of interest; yet in another sense I learned after a time to regard this helpless state as one that thousands might have envied." He also notices the passing away in a great measure of that reserve which some months before he had felt to be almost painful, and which frequently caused him to approach her tremulously; and further, he remarks the setting in of that peace which afterwards settled on her mind like a holy calm, but at that stage was more like occasional gleams than a steady abiding principle. He was deeply impressed by the simplicity with which the poor bodily frame was given up into the hands of her heavenly Father, never seeming now to entertain a hope

32

PEACE IN BELIEVING.

or wish for prolonged life or for recovery. He adds, "The heart had taken up its cross, denied itself to all hopes and wishes to the young so natural, and what are so largely clung to; and now, in this mystery of blindness and suffering, it was following Jesus in the regeneration."

Those friends who had not seen Jessie while we were in the country, expected, from the dangerous nature of her illness, to find her now look like a dying person, but it was not so, as almost to the close of life she had generally the flush of health on her cheek, and it vexed her to be told, as she often was, that she looked well and would overcome her ailments, as even before this time she had no desire to recover; on the contrary, the longing for death which soon took possession of her mind was very remarkable. Still she had not overcome the fear of death, as by and by was clearly manifested.

In a letter of mine to Mr Ross, early in September, it is stated, "that she has at length attained to a certain measure of peace in believing, not now speaking as if she doubted her interest in Christ, although not assuming a tone of firm confidence." Soon after this, Mr Ross, who kindly embraced every opportunity of visiting her when in Edinburgh, had an interview with her, which, he states, made a deep impression on him. He remarked a peculiar sweetness and placidity in her expression, indeed in her whole demeanour, on that occasion; and he afterwards learned that she was under the impression they had met for the last time. She seemed

to drink in all he said, and to labour under deep emotion as the love of God in Christ was brought before her. She talked of hymns, and how much she liked many of them, Mr Ross remarking, "that much pleasure as she had in them, he had no doubt she would eventually be drawn more to the simple Word of God." The day after this interview she sent him a copy of the Bible Hymn-book, her favourite hymns being indicated by a mark. He had also spoken to her of the necessity of an open confession of Christ; and in a subsequent letter of mine to him the subject is thus alluded to :— After stating "that amid all her aggravated bodily sufferings, her peace and joy in believing are becoming more and more apparent," it is added, "that along with it there is an evident and earnest desire for the salvation of others, and decidedly but humbly to confess Christ, seeming now to apprehend the difference between an ostentatious profession and a humble but honest testimony to His faithfulness, and the power of grace to sustain the soul amid suffering and the near prospect of death."

This concern for the salvation of others, especially those dearest to her, was much upon her thoughts; and she felt she ought to speak to them of eternal things while time was afforded her. From a natural and strong reserve in her disposition, this was a great effort for her, and grace alone could enable her to overcome it; but she did speak to each member of her family, and to two of them, who were absent for a week or two, she requested notes to be written to her dictation,

C