groaning in the belly of hell the next day. Since I wrote my laft to you, I have often refolved to hold my peace, and keep filence, though my forrows fhould be kindled together on that account; that I would endeavour to bear it, and fay nothing; and if I had but the wings of a dove, I would certainly fly to the uttermoft part of the wildernefs. I would wander afar off, though I should fall a prey to the rooks and ravens. I have often made a fort of a vow, and have withed and begged of the Almighty to condefcend to confent to a fort of a covenant with me; and this I have prayed for again and again-That if he would be pleased to grant me contrition, godly forrow, and lay me low at his feet to weep, and prevent me from rebelling against him, that I would never afk for any thing higher in this world, and that I would never envy those that are in the highest stations, that enjoy the greatest elevations, and that display the brightest abilities, and fhine in the most tranfparent gifts on the face of this earth; and this I ftand to to the prefent moment; I feel it now in my heart, and mention it in every petition. that I put up to the Lord. I cannot fee this contrary to the word of God. Jacob made a vow, that if God would be with him, and keep him in the way, give him bread to eat, and raiment to put on, that should fuffice him. M How I have regretted the lofs of that which I expected I was going to enjoy! I hoped, and expected, that I was nearly brought to fland on found ground, and not to continue to move and stagger about as I had done for years; but was foon disappointed, and my disappointment increases. I wish I knew what that foolishness in Ephraim was that kept him fo long in the place of bringing forth of children, that I might try to find out in myself, that I might fet the whole force of prayer and watchfulness against it, if peradventure it might please God to remove it. But this I know, that nothing can remove the bounds of his decree, and this is that which terrifies me. O that it might please him to give me power to caft myfelf on his mercy, and to lie paffive in his hand! but my difcontentment and rebellion militate ftrongly against me. I hope my dear friends continues to pray for me, and plead with God on my behalf: I am but poorly, and my head I feel very weak; but my former iniquity and daring prefumption, which I cannot forget, have procured all for me. That God may abundantly bless you, is the warmest defire of yours, J. JENKINS. LETTER IX. Beloved in the Lord, I AM exceeding glad to hear that you are returned again in fafety to the cabin; for while you are there, I confider you are within my call. I am trying to write a few lines to fend with Mr. Lock, who is going for London to-morrow, as we have not your confent for him to tarry longer. I wish I could rightly inform you how I am; but the hot weather, and my weakness, reduce me fo that I hardly have the ufe of my ra tionality. But, bleffed be God, I am still wonderfully fupported; I defire to mention this to the glory and praise of him who holds. my foul in life, and will not fuffer my feet to be moved from the hope I feel within; the anchor that goes to that rock that is within the vail; a rock he is, I know, and his work is perfect; nothing can be drawn from it, and it wants nothing added to it, bleffed be his glorious Majesty for ever and ever if there was one stitch for me to do, one grain for me to bear, one precept left for me to fulfil, or one good thing for me to do; 1 fee, that I must be left to perish for ever. But ftill I want a clearer discovery, and a closer application by the spirit of truth, of what I fee and believe to be laid up in a bleffed Mediator. My cup is not fo full as when I came laft away from Cricklewood; yet, bleffed be God! neither the sweet savour of it, nor the fupport I received, are altogether gone; and though fome doubts and fufpicions at times return, yet I dare not give up what I received: I hold it as my life, and endeavour to grasp it with both hands; and, thanks be for ever to the dear Redeemer, he does not let me fink under defpondency, nor do my natural fpirits go down under every cloud, as they used to do; but what I feel yet lacking is, and what I much long for is, more contrition of heart, that I might weep enough over him that I have fo much abused, and could I weep tears of blood they would not be enough; but I wish to fhew fufficient gratitude. Another thing lacking is, that perfect love that cafts out all fear and torment: if these things that are lacking could be obtained, I would say from my heart, Come, Lord Jefus, come quickly! for there is nothing in this world that I fhould want to tarry a moment for. How I do long to fee you, and to hear that voice that has often charmed fo fweetly; but of this I believe I am deprived in this world. How mysterious is the conduct of the Moft High! Now having been brought to hear you clearer, and with greater power than ever I used to hear you, it has pleased the Almighty to take away my hearing; for fince my return, I have not been able to hear one perfon's voice if he does not fit in the next chair to me; and this is very trying indeed, more especially not to hear your voice out of the pulpit; for this has been the way, and the mean, by which it has pleased God to communicate to me every ray of light, and every particle of divine truth that ever hath entered into my foul. O that I could write! I would treat of his long fuffering to a hell-deferving wretch, whose proper companions fhould be devils, and that for ever. I would mention his everlafting love fixed on a veffel of wrath, who had fitted himself for deftruction; of his eternal choice of one of the vileft that ever the fun fhone on, one of the lowest of all the devil's drudges; of his wonderful condefcenfion to take the nature of fuch a reptile, and entering the heart that was a fink of all uncleanness. Of his irresistible power in bringing fuch a carrion out of the mouth of the devil; for there were but two legs, and a piece of an ear, left undestroyed by the hellish lion, when the great Shepherd came by; but that which was left he took, that which the lion had reserved for himself against the morning he loft; the prey is taken from the mighty! And what fhall I fay? No more, for I have no tongue to speak, no mouth to utter, no hand to write what I wish, and what I conceive. |