44. Thou didst hide Thy Face, and E was troubled. Wilt thou the devil from thee drive? PSALM XXX. 7. troubled." "Thou didst hide Thy face, and I was JOB, iv. 17. "Shall mortal man be more just than God?" MICAH, vii. 7. "I will look unto the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me." D' ISCIPLE.-Master, I come to thee in sorrow. Hast thou any comfort for me? Thou seest before thee a soul which has fallen never again to rise. Master.-Tell me what soul there can be which was excluded by Christ the Lord, when He said, "Him that cometh unto me, I will in no wise cast out." D.-May He not have excluded those who come to Him for no other purpose but to smite Him on the face? M.-And for what good work of His1 didst thou smite Him on the face? D.-Alas! would that my head were waters, and mine eyes a fountain of tears, that I might bewail the greatness of my fall for know, the tempter hath emptied his quiver, and shot all his arrows at me. When I try to pray, they fly through my supplications, and when I seek access to the throne of grace, I confront a brazen wall. Listen to me, that I may pour out the affliction of my heart in all its magnitude into thine. The 1 John, x. 32. Lord was pleased to chastise me with one of His rods of love, and laid me long prostrate on a sick-bed. At this I ought to have rejoiced, for never is our bread so wholesome as when we eat it dipped in vinegar. But my soul became parched, like the glebe in summer's drought. For a while I panted after God, the living God, as the hart pants for the water-brooks; but He delayed to turn His face to me, and then I turned mine away from Him. A breath, I know not whose, in the night of my soul suddenly blew out the candle of the Word; all became dark, and the tempter had gained the day. For several months the blackest thoughts have been passing every hour through my soul, especially when I pray. Dreadful are the pangs which disease shoots through my bones; but much more dreadful the arrows with which my soul is pierced. I hear a voice within me saying, "Has He not been unto thee as a bear lying in wait, and as a lion in secret places? Forsake God and die." I would fain praise Him, knowing that He chastens us only that we may not be condemned with the world; but in place of praising I blaspheme, so that, like Job, I curse the day of my birth, and cry out to God, "Do not condemn me; show me wherefore Thou contendest with me.” I forget that it is I who contend with Him,-Him who is my Maker and my Redeemer. Alas, that I dare not conceal it from thee! Like old sores in the body, former lusts break forth afresh in my soul. At the very time I am suffering in the flesh, fleshly desires wake up, and thus I think: If He have broken His covenant with me, and withdrawn the favour which, in the days when I walked in the light of His countenance, was sweeter to me than honey and the honeycomb,—why should not I make a covenant with the flesh whereby to reap some compensation, and though but for a little to cool my tongue in the terrible heat? That bleeding head, with the thorny crown, which often in my sultriest days gazed in upon me and brought refreshment to my soul-oh, how can I tell, and yet, how dare I conceal the fact?-that holy head I have smitten in the face, and called to it, If Thou be the Son of God, why dost Thou not succour me? I have invoked the heavens and the earth, these wretched creatures, to bear witness against the God who created me. How dare I tell, and yet, how dare I hide it? I have wished that there were some other God, to whom I might appeal my cause, and find justice. "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do," was the prayer of the Saviour for those who nailed Him to the cross. Oh, why have I become acquainted with the Son of God only to be condemned? for I know that I have blasphemed the Holy One, and seized the sceptre of His majesty that I might break it if I could. Master, what shall be done to the man who has drawn near to the Son of God for no other purpose than to smite Him in the face? M.-Before speaking to thee, my son, I will first weep with thee, for sorrow that human nature has become so degenerate that such lamentable things as these can be related of it. Lord, if Thou shouldst mark iniquities, who shall stand? But now, my son, let me first of all observe that, however deplorable may be thy temptation, still thou art not the first, and neither wilt thou be the last, whom the devil has brought into such misery and distress. Thou hast thyself mentioned holy Job, how he kept his feet in manifold temptations, but how, when Satan proceeded to touch his skin and bones, he opened his mouth and cursed his day. Jeremiah ventures to say, "Cursed be the day on which I was born, because He slew me not from the womb, that my mother might have been my grave." The holy Psalmist complains, "Deep calleth unto deep at the noise of thy waterspouts: all Thy waves and Thy billows are gone over me. I will say unto God my rock, Why Even a Paul thrice besought the .. If, hast Thou forgotten me?" 2 Lord that the thorn might depart out of his flesh, and thrice the Lord said to him, "My grace is sufficient for thee."3 then, the heavenly Wisdom deemed it salutary for vessels so honourable and dear as these to be thus made sensible of their excessive frailty, why should a poor child like thee be so de1 Jer. xx. 17. 2 Psalm xlii. 7, 9. 3 2 Cor. xii. 7, 9. jected when taught the same lesson? Methinks it ought rather to encourage thee, and inspire the hope that great graces are in reserve for thee at some future time. For just as we see when the wind blows through the forest the tops of the cedars bend, while the humbler shrubs remain undisturbed, so do we learn from the experience of holy men that it is upon the souls which the Lord has selected for some enterprise of moment, and upon none else, that Satan makes his terrible assaults. The rule he follows when intending to pour into a vessel a large measure of grace, is first of all thoroughly to empty it, and make little that which was great, in order that the glory may pertain to Himself. To this effect is the admonition of the wise Sirach: "The greater thou art, humble thyself the more, and thou shalt find favour before the Lord; . . . for the power of the Lord is great, and He is honoured of the lowly." Tell me why is it that none of the little stars, and only the great moon and sun, have a retinue of clouds? D. O master, how canst thou address such language to me, or how speak of such high things to one who has struck the Saviour in the face? Have I not confessed to thee that I have committed that sin for which "there remaineth no more sacrifice, but a fearful looking for of judgment and fiery indignation, which shall devour the adversaries"?2 And now, what possible consolation canst thou give me? M.-God forbid that thou shouldst have been guilty of any such sin as that of which we read that it is impossible for those who have committed it to be "renewed again unto repentance." Condemn thyself with discretion, lest in making thyself little, thou at the same time depreciate the grace that is still in thee -an error into which souls under temptation have frequently fallen. D. There is, no doubt, consolation in the truth of which thou remindest me-viz., that so long as a soul is still capable of repentance, it cannot be in the condition into which I imagined I had fallen. But will it not show you, dear master, 1 Ecclus. iii. 18-20. 2 Heb. x. 26, 27. the deep misery of my heart, that true repentance is the very thing I lack? Nay, it seems to me as if my heart were as hard as stone. M.-Thy sorrow, dear child, has hidden thine own heart from thee. Thine eyes overflow with tears, and look up to the hills from whence cometh thine aid; and thus sorrowing as thou dost, how canst thou doubt that thou repentest? Thou comest imploring consolation, and opening thy heart to me who am but the servant. Were the Lord himself here, wouldst thou not hasten and open it to Him? And dost thou still doubt of the reality of thy faith? D. I cannot deny that my heart is often soft, but then, again, it grows hard like the nether millstone. I cannot deny that the misery of my soul is often a great affliction to me, and that there may still be a little spark of faith left in my heart. It seems to me as if the Lord held me by a thread, although I do not see it, but neither can I deny that I have blasphemed Him, and dishonoured my Christian name, and that sinful thoughts have risen within me, with the mention of which I will not pollute thine ear. M.-My son, thou knowest the word of truth, that there is only one sin which is not forgiven either in this life or that which is to come, and that that is wilfully blaspheming the Spirit of grace by which a man has been sanctified;1 as a righteous judgment upon which sin, the Holy Spirit deserts for ever the man who has wantonly rejected Him. Thou hast not sinned wilfully, for thy heart can still melt, and thy tears flow, and, like Israel of old, thou hast wrestled with God. It may be that thou hast uttered blasphemous words against the Son of God, and cursed the day of thy birth; but hast thou also cursed the Holy Spirit, who began in thee the work of grace, kindled the desire of heavenly blessings in thy heart, imprinted the seal of God's peace upon it, and still, in the midst of thy great darkness, ofttimes allures thee by many a sweet and bright attraction? No: Him thou hast not cursed; for 1 Heb. x. 26-29. |