nature. He made his game sure by praising | to become disgusted, and commence throwpeople for what they didn't possess, and ing mud to stop him. On the contrary, they promising every one exactly the thing he were charmed, and applauded vociferously. wanted. The needy and greedy he baited Following the noise, in low tones, husky with glimpses of private entries to the pub- with emotion, he told his love for the peolic treasury. The ambitious booby was daz-ple, its depth and disinterestedness, the saczled with a possible captaincy in the militia or a vacant squireship. To the spooney bachelor he discoursed suggestively of buxom maids and wealthy widows. The sullen hater was cheered with the hope of a triumph over his enemy. The chronic schemer was taken into his confidence, and believed himself in league with the candidate to cheat the devil and the rest of the county. Irritated with this bush-whacking warfare, we made a rapid descent on Funksville, caught our opponent in flagrante delicto, and in face of a crowd of his admirers challenged him to judicial combat on the stump. Public opinion did not permit a refusal, so we mounted the tavern porch forthwith, and went at it. Because a 'coon always runs when he can, is no proof he can't fight when cornered. This I ascertained to my cost. rifices he had made and was still willing to make for their welfare; then, swelling, snorting, and shouting, he proclaimed his eternal enmity to high taxes, corruptions, and oppressions of court-house cliques and rings. (The audience began to look savage.) Again suddenly changing tone and manner, he got off some ribald stories, expressive of nothing but coarseness, but which were received with extravagant bursts of laughter. In conclusion he commented humorously on my opposition to the great Funksville and Hardscrabble Railroad, and with an irritating allusion to my circular, yielded the floor. When I rose I was excited and angry (just where he wanted me), and every whack of my oratorical hoe cut up some cherished popular weed or struck fire from some flinty prejudice. I proceeded to prove by the irresistible logic of arithmetic that the pro that its construction would crush the county with taxes, and its revenues wouldn't furnish fuel for a locomotive. I wondered how it happened that in sections where there were no railroads the people were ready to impoverish the State to have them made, and where they had them already in prosperous operation the people were complain Squirms opened on the "high-larnt," col-posed road was absurd and impracticable, lege-bred, aristocratic dignity of his honorable antagonist with damaging effect. Then by contrast he pictured his own ignorance, humility, and meanness so graphically that a mouse might have pitied him. Then, as if suddenly changing his penny whistle for a brass horn, he sounded the praises of the people, their virtue, intelligence, honesty, wit, and valor, until the mountains ranging, cursing, suing, and bedeviling them in again. every possible way. I didn't say it, but I came nigh to proving that they were behaving like a set of fools. Remembering the ancient adage, Haud merita laus opprobrium est, I expected his hearers COMMITTEE ON TAR BARRELS. Fortunately I was interrupted by a horrible caterwauling, and a shower of mud balls thrown by fifteen or twenty fellows, to each of whom Squirms had confidentially promised the agency at this terminus of the proposed road. This kindling fire was promptly extinguished by the magisterial authority of Squire Stubble, but, glad of the excuse to close, I declined to resume my speech. Meanwhile, in an adjacent yard, two turkey-cocks, excited by the noise, commenced strutting and gobbling at each other. The boys and loafers gathered along the fence, named them after the rival candidates, and yelled with laughter at their absurd demonstrations. I was flattered to perceive that Colonel Candid, a superb white with crimson gills and jetty beard, was the general favorite; but this was the only advantage I had got during the day. Seriously, I was so disgusted that on consultation with Stubble it was agreed I might knock off here and go home. I had let the people see my face, had eaten, drunk, ay, and slept with themenough to show I was not proud. The rest I could safely intrust to my able lieutenants and partisans-the squire, the editor, and the gambler. Election day at length arrived. The campaign had been arduous and costly to me in more ways than I cared to acknowledge, but in the crisis of suspense we do not indulge in retrospection. My backers were confident and boastful, ready to take bets on named precincts, and offering large odds on the general result. No true wife can long withhold her sympathy in a contest where her husband is personally engaged and deeply interested. Mrs. Candid wished I had not been induced to offer; with a respectable opponent, she would not have regretted my defeat; but she could not endure the triumph of such a scurvy, abusive fellow as Squirms. Rather than have our county disgraced, I might serve in the Legislature one term. She hoped-nay, she was certain-I wouldn't try it a second time. So I found her amenable when I hinted there would probably be a good many callers that night when the returns came in-compliments, congratulations, and that sort of stuff. course I would have to stand it-one of the incidental inconveniences of popularity; and the best way to meet it would be to have some refreshments ready. Madam needed but a hint in this direction, and glad of the opportunity to soothe her anxieties in the exercise of her domestic skill, she spent the day in brewing, baking, wasting, and arranging. The boys had already called and obtained a liberal subscription to a fund to be invested in torches, transparencies, and tar barrels to celebrate the victory. Of These preliminaries arranged, I retired to my study to await the event, and write out an extemporaneous reply to the cheers of the torch-light procession, which was to stop in front of my house on its line of march. What changes take place in our manners and modes of doing things! I remember the good old times of vira voce voting, when every election day recalled the traditions of Donnybrook Fair-a saturnalia of whisky, noise, and roughand-tumble fighting. Then the opposing candidates sat side by side in open court, facing the wide-mouthed voter, and jealously overlooking the recording clerks, with the alternating chorus of "Thank you, Mr. Hubbs," and "Thank you, Mr. Stubbs," until they were so hoarse and exhausted they could hardly articulate. Then the state of the poll was known at any moment, and in a close contest the excitement waxed with the waning day. Then the aged, lame, blind, invalids, and idiots were ferreted out and hurried in from all quarters, while with entreaties, bribes, menaces, and blows the timid and vacillating were urged to the civic combat. Then a party knew its following; and when an aspirant got a knock, he had no occasion to inquire, "Who flung that last brick?" There was little chance for fraud, but the tyranny of Party was crushing, and the browbeating bully ruled the hour. Our election day now is calm and peaceful as a Sunday morning. No superfluous loafers around the polls, no crowds on the street, no visible excite- | have been closed for an hour or more, and ment any where. The inscrutable citizen my fate was already sealed. With the rewalks quietly and unquestioned to the open flection I grew restless, and walked into the window, gives his name, drops his ballot into dining-room, where I found wife giving the the box, and goes about his business. No finishing touches to her supper table, with one cares to flatter, bribe, or bully the mys- the candles already lighted. I felt singuterious messenger of fate. His missive is larly annoyed with the glare, and asked if like the unseen bullet which we can neither any one had called lately. She replied divert nor dodge. No man knows whose only by calling my attention to her arrangespear has upheld him or whence the arrow ments, asking if I thought that would do that brought him down. Party can no lon--if there was enough. How many did I ger throttle personal independence, and its ruffian retainer is out of office. But as the domineering bully retires from the stage, Fraud recognizes his opportunity, and comes sneaking in to manipulate the ballot-box, exhibit his arithmetical puzzles, and concentrate his loathsome influences on the selected representatives of popular virtue and intelligence. Who can tell us "which is the elephant and which the monkey?" The only answer is, "Good people, you pay your money and can take your choice." But this was not the speech I sat down to write, and to my astonishment I perceived it had grown quite dark. The polls must expect to supper? I, on my part, was too much preoccupied to respond with the usual commendation, but at the sound of a hurried footstep I rushed to the front-door. It was my friend the editor, whom I cordially urged to enter and take some refreshment. "Thank you, not now; I merely called to give you the result at the court-house. Rather disappointing-only thirty-six majority, when we expected over a hundred. Don't understand it; some rascality somewhere. Good-evening. I'll call later, when we hear from the other precincts." Weakly's manner was more discouraging than the figures. I was stunned, and re "Sit down," I replied, grimly. "It is nothing but those beastly Democrats celebrating their victory with a bonfire." What lofty philosophy and profound pathos are commingled in that exhortation of the chivalric victim of self-imposed tasks and vigils, addressed to his simple, snoring squire, "Ay, sleep, Sancho, sleep; for such as thou wert born to sleep!" How happy that patriotic volunteer who, even at the expense of a sharp wound, is honorably relieved from the miseries of campaigning and responsibilities of battle, and returns to rest under his own vine and peartree! A night of deep, refreshing sleep cured both the disappointment and physical exhaustion resulting from my first and last political venture. Rising early, mained out in the dark until I recovered | as is my custom, I paced proudly around my my equilibrium. Returning to the dining- garden, inhaling the morning's freshness, room, I was more than ever irritated with the glare of light. 66 "Wife," said I, tucking her right hand under my arm, you shall not exhaust yourself with this nonsense, and under no circumstances will these lights be needed before ten o'clock." So I blew them all out, locked the room door, and withdrew with my partner into the shadows of the parlor. "Husband," she asked, in a low, tremulous tone, "have you heard bad news?" "Discouraging," said I; "but we can have nothing conclusive until ten o'clock." Then we relapsed into silence, and heard the clatter of hoofs and the clamor of voices as each rough-riding messenger arrived with news from the distant precincts. At length we were startled by a red light flashing through our windows, and a savage burst of yells, shrieks, and whoops, as if "All the fiends from heaven that fell Had pealed the banner cry of hell." Wife started up with a nervous cry, exclaiming, "Oh, husband, there's a fire down town!" BOB-IN FOR EELS. and thanking God for the thrifty growth of my Osage orange hedge, which, while excluding the vulgar impertinence of the outside world, served also to confine my thoughts and interests to the little plot of national territory which I was still entitled to govern and improve according to my autocratic will. Welcome defeat, which, as it liberates me from a humiliating public servitude, still secures the haughty independence of free citizenship, which, like a hedge of thorns, closes out the distant and deceitful horizon of ambition, while it protects and cherishes the fruits and flowers of my own garden. Early as it was, I heard the strokes of a hoe in the adjoining lot, and, peeping through the hedge, saw my neighbor at work. "Good-morning, Boguey. What crop are you cultivating so diligently this morning?" "Patience," replied he, without looking up or returning my salute. Boguey had been a warm partisan of mine in the recent contest, and I believe had staked some money on the result. Presently dropping his hoe, he approached the hedge, and said, in a semi-confidential tone: "To tell the truth, I'm digging for fishing worms. I'm told there's excellent sport over on the river, and I'm going to try it. Won't you go along?" I declined, remarking at the same time I never had known he was a disciple of Izaak Walton. He answered, with an expression of profound disgust, "Can't say I ever had any luck in fishing, or in any thing else, but I want some excuse to get out of town until these blasted scoundrels get through with their snickering and bragging." When the ancient Orientals were dead beat, they pouted in sackcloth and ashes. In similar circumstances our modern rural politicians take their equivalent of humiliation in sitting all day on a stone or slimy log, sun-blistered and gnat-bitten, bobbing for eels. I determined to stay at home and try to place my establishment in statu quo ante bellum. I commenced by burning the tent caterpillars and wiring out the borers that had made a lodgment in my neglected apple-trees. As the breakfast bell rang, I gathered a bouquet of dew-spangled flowers and presented it to madam at table-the first attention of the kind she had received since my candidacy-and in consequence my coffee was double-sugared. Then I retired to my library to put down in black and white some arithmetical calculations which had latterly been making me vaguely uncomfortable. It is an axiom among statisticians that "figures can not lie." I was sorry to believe it, for they indicate the necessity of three years' rigid economy in living and total abstinence from cities and summer retreats as the result of my recent experiment in patriotism. VOL. LII.-No. 309.-23 Wife reported that the uneaten election supper would keep us in cold meats and knickknacks for about three weeks, and I enjoyed a whole day's holiday in the garden, while she was having the house scrubbed and fumigated. Thus with soap and economy our personal disasters will soon be repaired, and as time rolls on, I am pleased to observe that the commonwealth has not suffered appreciably from the result of the election. Taxes are considerably increased, which, however, seems to be a matter of course after any great reform movement. The Hardscrabble and Funksville Railroad carried one passenger to the Legislature, and has never been heard of since. I am sure Squirms can have no influence in the Assembly. He either abjectly follows some hard-headed leader, or is totally absorbed in some combination where his personal character has no play. Shortly after the election he called on me confidentially, sought my advice and counsel on the leading questions of State policy, and offered unreservedly to put any thing through the Legislature I desired; suggested the United States Senatorship, and borrowed twenty-five dollars to carry him to the capital; declared on parting 1 was a clever fellow and the only gentleman in the county. But I note he has not yet returned the money, which he promised to do when he touched his pay. Mrs. Candid is happy now, for she has my positive promise; and I observe she can hardly repress her gayety whenever I open on my favorite topics of political philosophy; but as I have no longer the fear of public opinion before my eyes, the world is welcome to my speculations. Nicias, the son of Niceratus, remarked |