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impreffions would foon wear off. The latter part of this time I was more hardened than ever; lefs thoughtful abo God, death, judgment, and eternity; and lived a prayer lefs, Chriftlets creature, without God in the world.

"In the latter part of July, 1770, being the twenty-first year of my age, I attended meeting on the Lord's Day, and returned home as unconcerned as ever; but soon after, on the fame day, my mind was ftruck with these thoughts, that I muf die, and come to judgment, and give an exact account of all my conduct in this life. Never did I feel such a fhock in my mind before: these thoughts feemed to overwhelm my heart with inexpreffible fear and trembling; and put me upon thinking very seriously about death and a future ftate; likewife about my paft life and conduct, and how I could answer to the heart-fearching God, fhould he immediately call me before his bar.

"Upon these ferious reflections, I found that I was wholly unprepared to meet God in judgment, and that, if he fhould call me in my then, prefent condition to appear before his bar, I muft fink down into hell and endless pain. Thefe alarming thoughts roufed up the attention of my mind; but what to do, or which way to escape, I knew not. On the whole, I determined to reform my life, be more ftri&t in keeping the Lord's Day, and attentive to divine worship; and, in fhort, I was determined never to reft till my peace was made with Heaven. Thus I went to work, and fet out, as I thought for Heaven, with as much zeal, engagedness, and fincerity as the Pharifees of old: but, alas! I foon found my felf exceedingly difappointed; for the more I read the Bible, and other good books, attended meetings and prayed, and examined into my own heart, the more wicked and vile I found myself to be. Inftead of growing better, 1 perceived myself to be worfe and worfe. My fins appeared to increase exceedingly faft, both in number and magnitude. My conduct and exercifes of mind, which I once thought to be tolerably good, now appeared in a crimson die, and scarlet hue. Within about three days after this impreffion upon my mind, it seemed as if the bottomlefs pit was opened to view (not to the bodily eye) with all its dreadful horrors, and that I was plunging therein aş faft as time could carry me: but oh! who can defcribe the diftrefs and pain of heart that I now felt? Reft had forfaken me, fleep had departed from my eyes, food loft its relish and nourishment, friends could not help me; and, to complete my woe, the eternal God, armed with omnipotent

mnipotent power, was threatening to deftroy me! De plorable circumftances indeed! Very juftly was my cafe defcribed by Dr. Watts's verfion of the pfalm:

Sad were my days, and dark my nights, my foul refus'd relief ; I thought on God, the juft, the wife; but thoughts increas'd my grief." "My confcience was now thoroughly awakened; inexpreffible guilt lay heavily upon me. I now found that text true, 66 a wounded fpirit, who can bear?" The idea of being eternally miferable, was too dreadful for me to endure; but how to avoid it I found not, I had read and heard about a Saviour, who had come into the world to fave finners; but I had defpifed and rejected him all my days; therefore, that confideration gave me no relief. The world, with all its pomp and glory, now appeared to be nothing worth. My former mirth and pleasures now be came my tormentors: -my companions, in whom I used to be much delighted, appeared with a very different aspect. I could no longer join with them in their finful vanities, but was conftrained to forfake their company. I read much, prayed often, and attended every religious meeting I could get at; but found no relief. I enquired of religious people, and minifters, what I must do to be faved? and the general anfwer was, "Repent and believe in Chrift:" but how to repent, or how to believe, I knew not; and to come to Chrift as wicked and vile as I was, I durft not. To make myself any better, I was unable; neither could I find any affiftance from man; and I was continually afraid of dropping into hell from morning to night, and from night to morning. I thought that I cried earnestly for mercy, but found it not. I was not as* yet fenfible that I was feeking in my own ftrength, and actuated wholly by felfifh views; but, after a while, the Lord gave me to fee that I was acting from no other principle but felf; that the fear of punishment, and the defire of happiness, were the only predominant principles of my heart; yet, fo foon as I was brought off from one falfe foundation, I immediately took hold of another. I then fet out to make a righteoufnefs of not depending upon my own good deeds, when, in fact, that was my whole dependence, Sometimes, I thought I had been convinced of fin fufficiently, and had been crying for mercy long enough. I was ready to wonder that I did not find it; but I was foon convinced of my mistake. It pleased God to give me to fee more of the plague of my own 3P 2

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heart than ever; that it was full of enmity and difaffection to him. I felt that I was altogether unreconciled to him, that I had no difpofition to comply with his proposals, and was, in fact, wrangling with his government. I was far from being willing that God fhould fit upon the throne, and difpofe of all creatures and things as infinite wisdom fees: beft. When I read, heard, or contemplated the divine law, it appeared fevere, hard, and unreasonable, that God fhould curfe every one who did not continue in all things written therein. When I heard of fome who were brought out of darkness into light, and were rejoicing in Chrift, I felt as if God was partial, and did not use me very well, I did not fee why he fhould not have mercy on me as well as on them; and when I heard that God would be just in cafting off finners for ever, although I once thought and acknowledged that he was fo, yet now I found that I could not fubmit to it. Indeed, I found an entire contrariety in my own heart to God, his character, laws, and government; and the more I faw and became acquainted with God and with myself, the more I faw and felt the oppofition and enmity of my heart. These discoveries led me to an inquiry, how I came into fuch a fituation, and to be poffeffed of fuch feelings of heart? And by attending to the matter, I found that I had fallen into fuch a deplorable condition, by departing from God, and transgreffing his law; but ftill I was unwilling to feel and own that I was altogether to blame in the matter; I, therefore, caft it back upon our firft parents; but the more I attended, the inore I was rationally convinced that this would not help the difficulty: for I had acted as wickedly as they, and felt guilt lying upon my own confcience, and that I had fin enough of my own to damn me for ever.

"When I came to attend to God's character, law, and government, I was rationally convinced that they were all right and juft. Still I had no difpofition to rejoice and feel pleafed and delighted with them.

"Thus I went on heavily, from day to day; fometimes almoft ready to refolve, to give up all care and concern about myself and religion: for I found fo many infurmountable difficulties, that I was almoft difcouraged; but, upon fecond thoughts, I durft not entertain fuch an ideas and it feemed to terrify me greatly that I fhould have fuch a thought pafs through my mind. After fuch feelings, my diftrefs of mind returned with fevenfold weight, Sometimes it feemed as if I fhould be hurried on to defpair; at

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other times, I was tempted to think that my ftate was not fo very bad; that God was a merciful God; and I conceived great hopes that I fhould foon find favour with him. But, the greatest part of the time, I was in the utmost anxiety for my immortal foul,

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"I was finally brought to greater diftrefs than ever before: for all my efforts proved fruitless and vain, Inftead of growing any better, I grew worfe; and instead of getting any nearer to God, I got further from him. My heart, found, was awfully hard and impenitent. All my cries and tears could not fave me. Hell appeared to gape wide, Hea ven fhut its doors; and I faw nothing, but that I must fall quickly into endless pain and torment. Dreadful as it appeared, to go to Hell, I expected foon to take up my everlafting abode there. I lay whole nights and never fhut my eyes to fleep, for fear, left I fhould awake in the flames of divine wrath. Such a finner, I thought, never lived in this world before. My cafe now became almoft defperate, I had scarcely a gleam of hope fufficient to keep me from total defpair.

"But in the mount of difficulty God often appears. Af ter about three months of fuch diftrefs of mind, it pleased God (if I am not deceived) to fhine into my foul, with rays of divine light. I was brought to fee that God was a holy, juft, and righteous God; and he appeared infinitely amiable, excellent, and glorious. His law appeared just like himself, holy, juft, and good: his government infinitely right; but fin appeared exceedingly finful and vile, I faw, that I was abfolutely in the hands of God, and that he not only was able, but had an entire right to do with me as he fhould fee beft. I was made fully fenfible that I juftly deferved his difpleafure for ever; and was now brought to accept the punishment due to my iniquities. I had no longer a difpofition to wrangle and quarrel with my Maker; but thought, if God fhould caft me off for ever, that he would appear infinitely glorious. I found this text to be true, viz. "When the commandment came, fin revived, and I died." I faw that there was nothing in me but fin; that I was, indeed, dead in trefpaffes and fins, and fit for nothing but the fociety of the damned; and it appeared fo righteous a thing in God to execute his wrath upon me, that I was filled with wonder and admiration that I was out of hell, and allowed to live in God's world.

"This was the folemneft moment that ever I felt. I was now brought to give up myself wholly to God, even life

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and every thing here below; not knowing what God would do with me; whether he would fend me to deftruction, or have mercy on my immortal foul. My cries for mercy now became very fervent: but I felt very differently about divine mercy from what I had ever felt before. I thought I could not wish for mercy, unlefs God could be glorified in granting it to me.

"I continued not long in this fituation. My mind was foon carried out in a difcovery of the character of the Saviour; which fo attracted my attention, that I fcarcely knew where I was, or what I was about. I greatly wondered at myself that I never viewed him in fuch a manner before. Where had I been, or what had I been about all my days, that I had never feen fuch beauties and glories in Chrift before I had a very joyful and comfortable day. The character of the Saviour, the great plan of redemption and falvation through. him, were the delightfome thenies that dwelt on my mind. The place where I was labouring that day, I fhall never forget. Chrift, with all his divine glories, feemed to be difcovered to my foul. I could fing, and pray, and rejoice continually. He appeared to be juft fuch a Saviour as I ftood in need of. I had tranfgreffed God's infinitely holy law, and Chrift had obeyed it, and fuffered its penalty. I was naturally blind, dark, and benighted; and Chrift had eyefalve to produce fight. I was poor and indigent; and Chrift had durable riches. I was full of fin and fpiritual putre faction; and Chrift had purifying grace, and the fanctifying influences of the Holy Spirit. I was naked; and Chrift had a perfect robe of righteoufnefs. I was a guilty condemned criminal; but Chrift was able to juftify; and, in short, Chrift appeared an all-fufficient Saviour; one in whom there would be the greatest fafety to truft. I now difcovered how God could be juft, and yet juftify penitent finners. Every thing appeared reafonable, right, and juft.

"My mind was now calm and quiet. All that enmity, irreconciliation, and difaffection of heart to God was remo ved. My ftubbornnefs and perverfeness of will was subdued. Anxiety and diftrefs of mind was now gone; and what was the matter with me, I knew not. Sometimes it

would ftartle me for a minute, to think how diftreffed I had been for a long time, and how calm and eafy I was now, But my mind would foon be loft, and, as it were, wrapt up in divine things, and heavenly contemplations.

This was about the beginning of November, three months after my attention had been firft roufed up; and in

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