Great book. Structure really well, each chapter has a real story with real character whom Dr.Jay had helped. Being in my twenties, i think this book has clarified a lot of things for me in my life.
If you are in your twenties or early thirties, this book is a must read. ( )

2.5 stars. some good tidbits here and there, but very obvious that the target audience are upper/upper-middle class, straight, neurotypical, white people that want a nuclear family. her research was done between 2011-12 which is already out of touch with the current state of the world, post-pandemic, gen-z, etc. and is highly apparent when reading the anecdotes. ( )

Lots of cases. You can relate to some, and you can see how you or someone you know might end up going down one of these roads. Lots of helpful tips. I, for one, am gonna have a few things to think about. ( )

The book had lots of meaningful ideas about how a twenty something person can live there life now to set themselves up for the future.

Felt as though the author kept expanding upon obvious arguments. I was not able to relate to some of the content which made the book feel repetitive. ( )

My Thoughts



This book was a strange one for me.



Overall it is brilliant and I wish I had read it in my early twenties, rather than the last year of my 20s. When this book was recommended to me, I was told I may not get much from it, or it may not resonate for that reason, and I agree with this but found it interesting nonetheless.



To sum up- live with intention.







It is romantic to believe "some day" things will happen, but they won't unless you plan for it, or are putting yourself in places where unexpected opportunities will be passed your way.



Overall, I think this was a great book and I am trying to get my younger siblings (early 20yo) to read it asap. There is a revised edition coming in March 2021. (here)



I notice other reviewers felt depressed reading the book in their late 20s/early 30s, feeling regret for 'wasted 20s"- and I can certainly see where they come from. This book is not written for this audience so it isn't ideal.



I was conflicted. With many years of depression plaguing my 20s, I often have bouts of fear, uncertainty, regret, and a feeling of under achieving. Many plans failed and things took a different route that I ever planned.

“The future isn’t written in the stars. There are no guarantees. So claim your adulthood. Be intentional. Get to work. Pick your family. Do the math. Make your own certainty. Don’t be defined by what you didn’t know or didn’t do. You are deciding your life right now.”

However, on reading and reflecting, the point was reinforced that life has no guarantees other than time doesn't stop. While my life as turned out differently to how I imagined at 20, I have done and achieved many things I never anticipated. So there was a sense of relief reading the book for me. It also made me want to evaluate and plan for the decades ahead of me.



My advice and recommendation:



If you fear this book will fill you with regret - do. not. read. it.



If you are in your early/mid 20s. - Read it. Reflect on it. Think about your values and goals, and take away the points that resonate with you, and do not dwell on anything else.















I hope you enjoyed my thoughts on The Defining Decade. Have you read this? Tell me what you thought! 



Feel free to comment below or on my 'bookstagram' at @ReadWithWine. 
This review was originally posted on ReadWithWine ( )

A solid read to cross-check what do you need to keep on the radar in your twenties.

p.s. I'm adopting a 3-star centered review system, where a reasonably good read gets 3 stars and 4 is better than average.

p.p.s. I now see a lot of negative reviews from people who don't see themselves in each and every story of the book. Dr. Jay wrote in the beginning that stories were collected from tens of her previous clients and in many cases combined into one. It would be really troubling if you would see each problem and solution apply to you. But remember that most psychologists first deal with the denial of the problem, not with the problem itself. ( )

I should have known that I'd get the most out of this short NPR interview:
http://www.npr.org/2014/10/21/357006244/making-the-most-of-your-twenties-meg-jay...

It prompted me to rethink my perspective on my own 20s--that I'm doing fine because I'm actively working toward my future. That interview is encouraging and concise.

On the other hand, the book is a drag to read, made up mostly of anecdotes of her 20something therapy patients and little other research is provided. The overall message got repetitive: essentially, stop wasting your 20s and start making decisions now. ( )

The Defining Decade is a must-read for anyone in that decade of their life. In this book Meg Jay takes you through every possible scenario you could ever imagine occurring in your 20s. She covers everything from career to love and leaves you invaluable advice on how to get your life together. And if you think your life is already together? Well Meg Jay forces you to rethink each aspect of your life and what "together" means leading to an amazing journey of self-exploration. ( )

Decent. Interesting, with lots of cool things I didn't know that are actually really nice to know. Well-written. It kept my attention. Very enjoyable nonfiction book. ( )

This book was fabulous and laying out the research, anecdotes, and how we fool ourselves into thinking we don't have to start now and end up sabotaging ourselves instead. She gives concrete strategies for defining your life in your twenties. Very easy read. ( )

I spend my days creating programs to connect students at a liberal arts college to their futures. I chose this book as a group read for my staff. I had read it about 5 years back, and from what I recalled it was a good foundation for helping students start to think sensibly about future. I also had an ulterior motive: more than half of my staff is under 30, and I thought there was helpful information for a couple of them. The group read meeting is Friday, so we will see how that went. In any event, I re-read the book to lead the discussion and the career section really held up. At least a 4-star. The rest though, was not as good.

Pros
The concept of identity capital is so important, and it is something no one pays attention to. I am not just talking about students, but parents as well. If I hear one more report of a parent advising their kids to take jobs that have nothing to do with the professional profile the student wants to build because they will make more money than at a job where they will build skills and contacts worth something. I fully understand that students have loans to pay, but assuming both positions have a base salary that will pay loans and keep the new grad fed and clothed, this is terrible thinking. Living in a crap-hole for a few years never killed anyone when it is in the service of growth and success. Students need to be aware of the value of what they are doing to their future plans. If the communications grad can get a job in marketing in a nonprofit for $13 an hour and a job at Starbucks for $16 an hour and it is possible for them to live on the lower amount, the choice is clear. Thank you Dr. Jay for saying so.

Another pro, the focus on doing something rather than doing nothing. Doing nothing is only a good thing if it is a restorative rest between doing things. Doing something doesn't have to be a traditional job, but it has to be something from which you grow.

Loose ties is also something most people (of any age and depth of experience) do not get. Loose ties make the world go round. A good network is what gives you flexibility and mobility. The vast majority of the time you can work hard, be great at your job, and without the network your career will not thrive.

Cons

The whole section of the book that is about love is riddled with appalling assumptions. The assumption that everyone wants to get married is absurd. Worse yet, the section on fertility. You do not need to have babies ever, and certainly not before you are 30. I was so angry when I read all of this. The ultratraditional heteronormative advice isn't based on social or biological science. It is anti-LGBT, anti-feminist, anti-rural, and racist. It drips with that special brand of upper-middle class suburban condescension that marginalizes the experiences and goals of nearly everyone in America. I say this as someone raised an upper-middle-class suburban girl who went to law school, got married and had my healthy baby. This is not defensive, its objectively that bad.

So read the first and last section, skip the middle, and this is pretty darn worthwhile. ( )

I spent a great chunk of the book screaming (internally) "hallelujah! I'm not one of those twentysomethings without a direction or a plan", another nice sized chunk wishing I had a Dr. Jay in my life a few years earlier, and finally, with the last chapter and epilogue I was thinking, "okay, now we're to the stuff I don't know how to approach."

This book was both easy to read and easy to identify with from multiple perspectives. Calling it a "wake up call" seems a bit harsh in my opinion, it's not waking you up to what you may be missing, but rather getting your brain cells moving and gears turning so that you can start walking to a new destination.

This is the first personal development book in a while that I haven't taken notes on, but I plan to make a timeline of my life later today. I don't feel like I'm in the middle of any mistakes, but I do see Jay's point with just letting life happens versus creating a plan that keeps you accountable for yourself.

I would highly recommend this book to twentysomethings and early thirtysomethings looking for some self-examination. ( )

Dr. Jay thoughtfully ties chapters and concepts together with exerpts from real people and work she has seen them complete in therapy. This book helpfully debunks and verifies a range of ideas we hold about millenials today and the trials they face. Consider this an operations manual of sorts for the young adult in your life. If you have struggled to understand why they appear so aimless and how long they may continue along that path this book will become a guiding beacon back to the real world and into social productivity.

I loved this book and the honest, practical tone of Meg Jay's advice. Must read for everyone twenty something! ( )

Abso-freaking-lutely one of the best and most relevant self-help books I've ever read! I strongly recommend it to any and all twenty-somethings who find words like college, professional identity, (first-time-working) anxiety, (online) dating (and dating down), job hunting, urban tribes, personality, marriage, children, planning for the future, and/or many others at all relevant to them!

Now please excuse me while I go find a job. ( )

Yup, I read this book. It was good and informative.

But I have to say, the main thing it told me was the stuff I already knew. Which, to be fair, I maybe needed to be told again. But that was the fault of a lot of adults in my network (not my parents, to be clear) making sure I know that I'm still young, and it's fine to have fun, and blah blah blah.

That has always irritated me, because I have always felt like I was missing out. I have never heard my parents regret having a family so young or talk about the things they could have done if they had spent their 20s the way I have spent a good chunk of mine.

Seriously, listen to the people who you know who are in their twenties and decide if they sound happy to you. Compare the ones who are on a solid career path with those who are blundering around trying to figure things out. Because this whole "being young, having fun" thing is way overrated.

And this book is all about that. It's all about young twenty-something people who are torn between all of these cliches and ideas that are fed to them by older influences, like parents, employers, etc. For example, "you can be anything you want," which at some point just makes people feel like they can't be anything, or "You should be having fun!" which makes people think that by partying and taking it easy all the time, they are doing what they are supposed to be doing, even if they don't feel remotely fulfilled.

So basically this book reinforced everything that I already thought/believed but was starting to think I was being unrealistic about, mainly because everybody I know, peers and older role models (not to mention a couple of people I did informational interviews with) said that I shouldn't worry and everything will work out and blah blah blah.

So, you know. This book is good. Recommended, even. ( )

Excellent book for young men and women. Should be required reading for all college students. ( )

In my mind, this book is a must-read for twenty-somethings. Meg Jay, a psychologist specializing in adult development, illuminates some of the important, life-changing elements of our twenties, using real-life patients as examples. Jay talks about how our twenties set the stage for the rest of our lives and are the time to actively plan for the lives we want rather than expecting that everything will just fall into place. Our twenties do matter, even though society has viewed this decade more and more as an extended adolescence rather than real adulthood. ( )

This one was extremely good, and I'd recommend it to anyone who's in their twenties or generally interested in the topic. It's the perfect mix of advice, scientific studies, and individual anecdotes, all presented in a very readable style. There are just so many thought-provoking issues discussed here, and it manages to provide useful guidance in an optimistic way. For example, Jay talks about the issue of what people are supposed to be doing career-wise in their twenties: we constantly hear that life is starting later, so maybe our twenties don't matter, and we should just be exploring the world or working at an easy minimal-wage job while hanging out with our friends? Well, no. Everything we do right now is still building the foundation for our future lives, and even though the process takes longer, that doesn't mean we shouldn't get started. Everything we do contributes in some way to who we're going to become. Jay also talks about the particular time crunch facing women who hope to establish themselves in good careers and also have children: there's not necessarily time to do it all later, because fertility declines rapidly. On a similar note, she advises against cohabitation before engagement, because that leads to a sort of slipping into a permanent relationship, rather than making an active decision; the hindrances to leaving accumulate, and as you get older you figure you might as well get married, and that doesn't always lead to the best results. Again, what we do now matters, and we should be doing it consciously. It was refreshing to see someone actually address these issues and talk about the best way to proceed, as opposed to the general lamenting about twenty-somethings that I generally seem to read about. Again, highly recommended. ( )